Cats value autonomy: if you try to restrain them from leaving the sofa when they want to leave the sofa, that will not help you befriend the cat. There is a right time to pet and cuddle the cat, but it isn’t when they don’t want it. The same goes for play-fighting.
Cats don’t have the verbal language skills that dogs have. That doesn’t make them less intelligent than dogs, that just makes you less intelligent for attempting that method of communication when you know it doesn’t work. Cats can be communicated with by how you behave around them and by vocal tones, but that’s for you to discover.
Cats aren’t loyal to people who presuppose some stereotype about them and then treat them like shit. Nor would you. That’s one of the areas where cats are much more intelligent than dogs.
Nobody with brains is impressed with your need to announce that you hate cats. If you’re insecure about your masculinity, maybe you could learn by befriending and imitating a cat who won’t accept the company of any asshole who comes along. Friendship is a fantastic journey when you take the time to understand a complex and different creature.